his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize