I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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