Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
