I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
