Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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