I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
