just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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