Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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