The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
