my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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