Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
