umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
