i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
