she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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