yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
