my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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