Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
