My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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