hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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