$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
