her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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