My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
FUCK WHALES
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
