i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
