I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
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I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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