checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize