my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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