I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
