Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
