he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hippo gnu deer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
