I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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