Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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