the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
