god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
