I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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