Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
