he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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