um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
