God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just wanna soil my oats bro
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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