then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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