Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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