i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
