Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
