I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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