So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I met the friendliest cop last night
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
