I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
