i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
