so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
