the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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