If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
