She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I looked at my own cervix.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
