i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
