your parents love me but you hate me
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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