Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
