Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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