Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
